Today.

Today, I woke up. I woke up with the same feeling. The same feeling that’s been eating me up. I don’t feel anything at all. “At all” should be an understatement because “at all” can not describe how I feel. Yet, I feel absolutely nothing.

Today, I opened my eyes. I opened my eyes and saw nothing. Saw nothing that makes sense. I’m confused all over again. Taking a deep breath, I open them again and I saw everything. Everything suddenly makes sense again and I’m not confused anymore, I can comprehend more than before. And so, I get up with a smile, face my family and live on. This whole cycle has been going on for months, at least I’m aware that it’s been months. There’s nothing differentiating today from yesterday’s today and tomorrow’s today because today seems to be my everyday, everyday.

I am not color blind but everything looks so pale and weak. Do not misunderstand me, I do see color clearly but even color seems to be fading away. It’s like I’m draining everything just to give life to myself. I look at the sky and it’s a lighter shade of the normal light blue, I look to the light and it’s shining less bright. I look to myself and I see white. Everything except my subconscious which keeps  chanting “go on” and even that does not sound the same anymore. It’s fading and all I hear is an echo “ggoo oonn”.

Today, I tried something different. I tried to change today’s routine so as to change my current today from yesterday’s today. And after working so hard to change that, it crumbled in the end. Because if I cannot think today is different from yesterday’s today, actions won’t change it for me. And so I realise I’m back to the very beginning, the same one I’m trying to change. Yesterday ended the same way today started because that can happen too.

It’s been months since I last typed my thoughts because I felt that no one wants to read about a person mope around and no one wants to add your problems to theirs. But here I am, trying to put down my thoughts because I have realised that writing helps me express myself. No matter how much I try to express myself to someone through talking, at the end of the day, I don’t feel any different. Turns out that when I write, I put every emotion I feel in words and so it’s like I’m bringing out my supressed emotions.

So, breathe, find a way to release your pent up emotions and live because there should be something worth living for. At least, that’s what my subconscious told me today.