I was 11 when I experienced my very first dark day. I remember bits and pieces of this day because it was the day Michael Jackson passed away. At that time, I did not understand the concept of death. I was incredibly shocked. I remember looking up to the clouds and saw that they had formed an image that looked so much like him. At least, it looked like that to me. My imagination? Definitely. He was significant to my family as we used to bond over his videos. He was such a beautiful person.
They sometimes “save”, “mark”, “make”, “shape” us.
I remember the first day I met One Direction. I was having my normal “empty” day and “Startimes” had this “Triple Play” thing they used to do on St Music. I was amazed. I added “a singer” to my list of things I wanted to become when I grew older. I can still hear the songs playing: One thing, What Makes You Beautiful and Kiss You. It was not just the fact that five absolutely breathtakingly beautiful boys were on the screen. It was the way they really did sing and express themselves while having so much fun. I spent the most part of my adolescence using their different vocal ranges to learn to sing. It is not great but I did learn because even though they had such different voices, they just synced. I really understood what it meant to love people, unromantically.
How fast people are to create tributes and sad videos. How easy it is for Wikipedia to change from present to past tense. How heartbroken I felt when I saw that your Wikipedia page had a date of death.
I was not able to meet One Direction as a group but I made it a goal to meet every one of them to thank them for being such great impacts in my life. For accompanying me during my sad days. For helping me find a dream even though I never carried it out. For helping me create happy days and memories. For simply existing while I did.
“I was really going to come see each of you no matter how long it took”.
I keep deleting my sentences, my words… I don’t know how to formulate them. They\’re not making any sense so I keep deleting them. I kept seeing posts about you, but I thought you had done something crazy as usual. It did not cross my mind that you had suffered while I slept, reminiscing about the beautiful day I had. While I was hoping to experience other days as beautiful, you were experiencing your last.
As the shock crept into my mind, horrendous scenarios and questions popped up.
What happened?
Who hurt you?
Why?
Did it hurt?
It must have hurt.
Wasn’t there any other way?
Are you happier now?
Couldn’t you have waited a little more?
Couldn’t you have grown old like I had so earnestly prayed you all would?
The thing about death that amazes me is that it’s never an easy transition. People like to assume that “dying peacefully” means dying without any unnatural causes. But the transition from life to death is a very painful thing to witness. How do you think the person experiencing it feels?
“They must have hurt so bad”.
“I hope it didn’t hurt as bad”.
Regardless, I was really hoping to see you one day to tell you how alluring you are, how much I adore your voice and how hypnotizing it feels when you sing your heart out. Seeing posts of tributes breaks my heart. Writing this article shatters my heart. My tears do not feel enough.
It was incredibly difficult to express myself today. I couldn’t explain why I was extremely quiet or so angry.
How do you tell people “I feel sad because a celebrity died”.
“Oh! So, he didn’t know you?”
“Oh! So, he’s not related to you personally?”
As though you have to be closely related to someone to feel empathetic or sympathetic towards their death. I just kept saying “they wouldn’t get it”. I know they wouldn’t. Thus, I stayed quiet.
I do realize that I would still be miserable even if you had gotten older. Mathew Perry was barely above 50 but I can no longer watch Friends. Could I be any more sad?
Yes. I guess I can be.
My tribute is meant to be short but I keep delaying the end of this blogpost. It feels as though a significant part of my life has been soiled. Like the memories of my teenage years will disappear… Just like you have without a warning.
It feels surreal referring to you in the past. I don’t want to say goodbye to you.
Words can’t describe how precious you are to me. I am so sorry you had to hurt to leave and I hope you find the peace you deserve.
Rest Easy, Liam ❤️ Payne.
Thank you. For existing when you did. While I existed.
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