I Am

Hey…

As much as I’d love to continue my break, to not write, to continue putting it on no motivation? Everyday, someone walks up to me and asks about my writings and I end up giving excuses… The truth is, sometimes, people fall into the potholes they’ve have successfully overlooked and find it hard to find their ways back… This happens because we’re humans and as much as we love to control our thoughts and lives? Its okay to not control it sometimes, its okay to let it find you… Lol, I guess mine is yet to find me… I’ve been finding it extremely difficult to climb out of my own dark hole and I’ve just realized that staying there doesn’t necessarily help bring light… So, I’m going to climb my way out… I missed y’all by the way❤.

Since pouring out my feelings and thoughts is what I am good at, let’s journey into my imagination where every thought stands as a person… Everything literally bugs me but there’s this bug that’s refusing to let me go… It keeps scratching, biting, whispering to me what’s going to happen after you’re done with school? After pinching, punching, slapping at it, I’ve realized that its only going to go when I answer its question… Its been bugging me for years and I feel incapable because after four years, I still am not even close to having an answer… I’m lost, again.

So, I venture deeper, trying to figure out what I actually want… But this only works when and if you know what you want. Then, I ask myself, what do you want? Lol, guess what? I actually, really don’t have an answer to that… Further, I sink into my hole because if I don’t have an idea of what I want by now, when will I ever? But this constant thinking doesn’t help me find my answers, I just dig further into the pothole… Up until the hole–my hole refuses to go deeper so I’m stuck on one spot without being able to move front or back.

I look around and everyone seems to be buzzing around me, finding their own light. Everyone has problems, everyone finds a way to deal with it, one way or another so we can not afford to be stuck now, can we? I know all this, I know that taking my time is the best, I know that pushing too hard will hurt me but I am still stuck here even after trying everything I possible can. I bet I’m not alone in this, am I? Of course not… There’s always someone who can relate… Doesn’t always have to be the same situation but it doesn not change anything.

Until a friend of mine told me “sweetheart, you literally have your own race to run, it doesn’t matter if you come first or last, you have a race and you have to finish it”. I’ve heard these words before and I know the meaning but it doesn’t necessarily mean that its been making sense to me before until that very moment he said those words… And so, I listen to music and one song has stuck, refusing to let go… James Arthur says;

“I’m a problem, I’m the killer, I’m the cure I guess

I’m the end, the beginning, the apocalypse

I am something from nothing, I heard em say

Rags to the riches, your best mistake

I’m the future, I’m the relic, I’m the not done yet“

You know the way songs speak to people however you choose to interpret it? He literally tells me that I’m everything in one. I am not one, I’m all… So, you can’t find your way? Big deal, light is just refusing to shine on the dark passage and if it persists, I’ll be my light, my very own light. Imaging something trying to beat down a sun ray in form of a person, Lol, nothing could ever top that.

“I’m the blaze, I’m the siren, I’m the exit door

I’m the cape, I’m the villain, I’m the metaphor

I’m a good gun in a bad man’s war, I paved the way

I’m a left hook, I’m a fractured jaw, I’m the pain

I’m the preacher, I’m the sinner, I’m a broken law”

So, I’ve decided to be all I can be until I can figure out what exactly I want. Nothing says I can’t be everything, right? This doesn’t mean that I’m all figured out now, it just means that if you’re out there feeling depressed and shit because your hole isn’t caving? Take your time, crawl out of your hole and be everything imaginable. Go back if you need to. Because, I am what I believe…. We are what we believe💗