It’s honestly how they expect you to be okay with words. Words; little, big; different shades, shapes and sizes. It’s how your feelings are not regarded, in any way possible. It’s like you’re supposed to be existing alone.
Hi there 😅
It’s been what? Years? I tried to explain why I couldn’t write anything for a while. I really tried to figure out what was going on with me. Then, I realised that “I can’t give people reasons if I can’t give myself reasons”. So, I began to think “what’s wrong with me?” “Is there anything wrong with me?” “Why do I feel like I never do anything right?” “Why do I feel so lost in the world I’ve created for myself?”. You know what I found out after searching and researching for months? Nothing. I just could not write.
So, I began to think. Like I always do. What was I thinking about? Same thing I’ve been pondering on for 22 years. Well, for as long as i can remember. I’ve never found an answer, actually. Instead of getting answers as usual, I got the same question I’ve been asking. The same word. “Why?” In every situation, I just ask why. “Why does it feel like everyone’s okay and I’m not?”
“Why does it hurt so much but I can\’t show it?”
“Why me?”
“What’s wrong with me?”
“Why?”
Then I realised, it’s been my self worth playing on me. “Do I really love myself?” “Do I say good things to myself”? I’ve been saying “I want to discover myself” to the guys I’ve been meeting for a while now. But what can self-discovery do with all these emotions feeding off me? Nothing. I just feel “stuck”. And feeling “stuck” isn’t a good feeling. I’d say I know because I’ve been stuck for as long as I can remember.
Let’s talk about the people we love, admire, cherish, respect or value. The people who shape us into the people we’re meant to be. The people that we are. I do adore my parents. I do pray for them so much because they deserve it for bringing me into the world. I see that people have disabilities. I don’t think they’re lesser humans. I just feel sorry for them sometimes. And I feel grateful to my parents for taking care of me like they should have. Like every other parents should have. Like every other parents do.
Let’s talk about the memories we often can’t get rid of. Our childhood memories. It all started with wanting to defend myself whenever shit happened. Maybe I got into a fight with someone and it wasn’t my fault or I couldn’t understand what I read in school. Or speaking up at all. Just doing stuff children do when they’re happy. Maybe someone did something to me in school and I wanted to tell my parents what happened. And then I’d just hear “Shut up”. It rings in my head so much that I’ve become accustomed to it. They’d ask “what happened, why did this happen?” In that moment, I want to speak up but I can’t because I just hear a very loud angry “Shut up”.
I think I’ve tried to explain how I’ve felt to a lot of people now but I hear the same saddening statements. I see that a lot of people go through verbal abuse, so much that they think it’s normal. So, when you decide to reach out to someone, they’d say “it happens, you’d be fine”.
“Everyone goes through this”.
“You’re Nigerian, it’s normal”.
I’m being told that being blamed for things you have no power to control is normal?
Abuse doesn’t always have to be related to substance or drug usage. Abuse is that feeling you get when your parents tell you “that person is succeeding, why aren’t you?” ,”Your cousin is doing this and she’s successful, why aren’t you successful?”. Forgetting that, that cousin was brought up in an environment where she could speak up for herself, one where she’s loved despite her mistakes. One where she’s taught to stand up for herself so, she can never be taken for granted. And my environment? It’s dark. It’s angry. It’s sad. It’s filled with fear. The overlooked emotions? The one where you can’t feel angry at them because they’d say “Don’t mind her, she’s overreacting just because I talked some sense into her”.
Or the way religion and culture tell you to never make your parents annoyed because they’re your “gods”. So, what happens to me then? Am I not allowed to express myself when I’m being wronged? Why can’t I get annoyed at my parents if they do wrong? Aren’t they human? Aren’t I human?
It’s the constant reminder that you can’t make mistakes. It’s the unsatisfying responses after putting in your best. It’s the lack of enthusiasm. It’s seeing someone who’s been raised differently from you and noting the clear differences between you. It’s the constant wave of depression. It’s the constant unsatisfied feeling. It’s the lack of self-worth, self-esteem. It’s the lack of emotions. It’s being unable to control my emotions. It’s feeling on edge. It’s the feeling of being cheated. It’s the darkness that consumes you while trying to find the light that should keep you. It’s the hurt, the pain. The unresolved questions. It’s the unshed tears. It’s the Everything.
So, I want to ask. Don\’t I deserve to be loved too? What\’s so wrong with being loved like I should be? What\’s wrong with me?
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