About a week ago, I had a test, and instead of focusing on the actual intent of the test which was to test our knowledge, I was more transfixed by the content of the articles in the test papers. I spent several minutes nodding my head in agreement with the various perspectives of the writers. I even almost did a little dance each time I read a line I could totally relate to.
The content in the articles was in relation to Persona. Basically, it refers to the “act” that individuals present in front of other people to get a certain reaction, achieve a goal, stir or prompt certain emotions from a certain audience. Most definitely because of upbringing and parental expectations, I used to do exactly as instructed regardless of what I actually felt. You know?
Like some sort of programming.
Like a robot.
As a proper overthinker, I have always been conscious of this which eventually led me to trying out a variety of things. Conduct an experiment in some way. Place myself in uncomfortable situations. Situations I would usually run away from. I had so many questions.
“Am I quiet because I have nothing to say or because I am scared of voicing my opinions”?
“Who am I really”?
“Why do I go silent when I get angry?”
“Why am I unable to stop crying when I am unable to express myself”?
“Why do I feel scared socialising with people”?
“Why do I feel unnecessary anger when having arguments with people even when it is supposed to be a discussion with different opinions”?
“Why do I avoid arguments in general”?
Subsequently, I began to get better at expressing myself. These “experiments” actually always end in the same way. Chaotic. But in the end, I just know I progressed in some sort of way.
“I used to think I was a better listener, I figured out recently that I am actually more of a yapper”.
“I used to think I was cool, collected and calculating”.
But I think that by deciding to figure out the kind of person I actually am, I opened up a door.
A door that leads to a lot of other persons probably waiting for something or someone to awaken them.
I noticed a while back that I reacted or should I say “acted” very different when dealing with various types of individuals. I honestly was having a hard time distinguishing between the concept of persona and the “multiple personality disorder” theory I had read online.
Analysis is something I always engage in. Mostly subconsciously. This means that I do not need to try to give meaning to stuff. Overthinking. That’s what they call it these days. In reality, people just like to give terms or names to things. Sometimes to make that particular notion bad or maybe to make themselves feel better. I always think it’s the latter. While reading about “Persona”, I felt… Content. Why? Because my weird, long-lasting, brewing thought/idea finally has a name.
In the beginning, I thought it equated to being pretentious. It did not take long to subdue that reasoning because even though I was confused about persona, I was always true to myself, how I felt and whoever I was dealing with. Pretending is such a strong act. I cannot for the love of me act differently when I feel or think otherwise. In other words, I cannot act, not in this life, not in the previous ones I may have lived.
What then is the difference between putting on a persona, acting and pretending? If I can put on a persona perfectly, why can I not act or pretend? Maybe because acting and pretending are more closely related? Maybe acting can have good intentions and the latter focuses more on negative intents? To me, persona seems to carry more positive intentions. For a good number of months, I taught children. As we all know, those beautiful humans are so innocent; they sometimes bring me to tears with their adorable, innocent thoughts and voices.
Before embarking on that teaching journey, I knew I could not be my normal “no energy” person. Why? My teaching would be less effective.
What makes me happy? Doing my work diligently and seeing growth.
Why? If not, why do the job? Just let a better person do it, right? Be accountable.
How do I achieve this feat? By being who the students need to learn effectively.
Do I go back home exhausted, happy the day ended? Yes.
But am I happy? Yes.
Why? Because I made achieved my goal, which was to teach effectively.
What is astonishingly remarkable to me is while being that person, I’m happy. A lot of people become different due to varying factors, usually by making contact with other people.
“This is not me”.
“I know myself, I usually do not act like this”.
“I think I’m changing”.
Are you really? Or is that person just bringing out a part of you you did not know existed?
“You’re such a bad influence, I never acted this way before I met you”
It obviously will not always be positive because people can bring out terrible, hidden parts of us that seem so untrue.
Parts? Persona? See them connecting? Yes? No?
What if I told you that we are all just a collection of parts and personas?
What do you think about that?
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